December 31, 2020

The Theory of Relativity

I have a new girl-friend. We have been having quite a lot of sex.

Right there. That’s the story.

I sometimes have the tendency to prattle on and on. I veer off and take long and unnecessary excursions from the main story line. Then invariably, I go back and delete large sections of the piece in order to make it concise and precise. But not this time. This time I am going to anticipate those changes and take a pre-emptive strike. No more digressions. Just straight and to the point.

I have a new girl-friend. We have been having quite a lot of sex.
The End

I admire my handiwork. Very solid opening line. Not surprising. Opening lines are kind of my jam. And the closer, the last line, is a thing of beauty. It’s my signature move. I circle back and wrap the story up in one big beautiful bow. I think it’s good. I think it is very good. I read it again to see if there is something I have missed. Sometimes, I get a little bolt of inspiration during the fourth or fifth reading.

I have a new girl-friend. We have been having quite a lot of sex.
The End

I like it.

I send it to Miles. Miles nominally is an employee for my company, but mostly he just edits my stories. What I will do is copy the story from my iPhone and then paste it into our Skype conversation. I can see by the green dot he is online and sure enough, I am soon seeing the tell-tale signs of a message coming back to me.

‘Nice!!’

Miles has pretty good instincts and despite the fact he works for me he does not shy away from telling me if a piece doesn’t work. Two exclamation marks. That’s a good sign although I am pretty confident about this story.

I say thanks and ask him to clean it up and send it back to me. It means he will clean up the typos and grammar and also space it out properly. A few times, he took some liberties and changed up a word or two but I sent it back with my original copy so he doesn’t do that anymore.

He emails it back to me with a fix and a note - girlfriend is not hyphenated - and then I forward it to Jules.

Jules writes back right away and says thanks for the new piece and he will try to get to it this weekend. Now I have to wait. Jules will tell me if it is good enough for the new collection. Or, if it is not that great, he will tell me it is a piece my friends and family will enjoy.

In the meantime, I send it to the regular cast of characters for their feedback and reactions. I also send it to Helen who is our book designer and responsible for laying out both the Amazon kindle and the paperback version. Plus, she will find or create a photo to accompany the story.

Lewberg is the first to write back. He texts “Epic. Love the ending. Top ten in my books.” Good old Lewberg. I can always count on him for some positive feedback.

Tatiana is next “OMG. Hilarious!!!”

Now the story wasn’t really meant to be funny but I guess it could be. I read it again.

I have a new girlfriend. We have been having quite a lot of sex.
The End

Yeah. Yeah. I could see how that could be funny. I am kind of proud of myself. I am evolving as a writer. Putting together pieces which can be appreciated on many levels. Nice!

Allie chimes in next. “I lurve it.” I discount all of Allie’s feedback. I could send her a grocery list and she would tell me she loved it.

I am surprised to hear back from Goldfarb though. I send him all of my stories and he never responds. Even for a book filled with stories about him. He’s not a fan of my writing.

I pick up the phone.

“A lot of sex?” He says.

He is not wrong. I may have taken some creative license with my description.

“A lot for me,” I reply.

“Anything more than 0 is a lot for you.”

Goldfarb is not trying to stick it to me. He’s just trying to be factual.

Then I say “Well, like Einstein said, it’s all relative.”

Goldfarb says “Einstein’s theory of relativity was about gravity not the number of times you have sex you moron.”

I should know better than to mention Einstein in front of Goldfarb. I try to explain, but he has already hung up.

My friend Harold writes back. “I am not really a fan of science fiction.” There is no happy face emoji.

I then hear from my friend Walshy. She is a writer and has been very supportive.

“Have been having’ is a little clunky,” she says.

“Hmm. You think?” I say it in my head. Have been having. Yeah, it does sound a little clunky. I really trust and respect Walshy’s opinion.

“What do you suggest?” I ask.

“You can try ‘we are having’” she says. “It changes it into the present tense and avoids the clunkiness. You kill two birds with one stone.”

I say. “Ok thanks.”

So I change it.

I have a new girlfriend. We are having quite a lot of sex.
The End

Yes, she is right. It is better that way. I now resend it to Miles and to Jules and to Helen. I mark it version 2.

I then hear from my friend Faye. She is a strict grammarian.

“Great story,” she says.

I can see a dot dot dot.

I know a ‘but’ is coming.

“But I’m not crazy about the modifier.”

“The modifier?”

“Quite. Quite a lot of sex. It doesn’t add anything to the sentence. It is superfluous.”

Hmm. I hadn’t thought of that. I try both in my head. We are having quite a lot of sex. We are having a lot of sex. I think I liked it better my way. I decide to push back.

“It’s stylistic,” I argue. “It is a little garnish. Like capers.”

“Nobody likes or needs capers,” she says. “It is just an extra word.”

“Ok. Thanks. Let me sleep on it.”

“Also...”

“Yes?”

“‘Have been having’ is a little clunky.”

I say “Way ahead of you.”

But I don’t sleep on it. I bang around the house obsessing about it and then decide Faye is right. It is hard to lose a word. But sometimes you have to cut in order to let the rest of the garden grow. I try it the new way.

I have a new girlfriend. We are having a lot of sex.
The End

Ugh. I hate being wrong. But it is better. I have to admit it is better. I send version 3 to Miles, Jules and Helen.

Then Allie calls.

“I lurve the new story,” she says.

“Thanks,” I reply. I made a few edits since you last read it. I think it is even better.”

“I thought it was great as it was.” Allie is always so supportive. “What did Hannah think?”

“Who?”

“Hannah. The aforementioned new girlfriend.”

“Oh. Right. I haven’t shown it to her yet. She says she prefers to read the stories in an actual book. She is going to wait for the paperback to come out.”

“How is she going to feel when she reads you have been writing about how much sex you are having?”

I hadn’t really thought of that. All of my other stories have been about previous girlfriends. I have never written a story about a current girlfriend. I was just so caught up in the story.

“Damn!” I say. “I didn’t really think it through.”

“I don’t think you will be having any sex if she reads that sentence.”

“You think?”

“I know. You have to get rid of it.”

“Get rid of it? But it’s my all-time favorite sentence. It ties the whole story together.”

“Not sure what to tell you. Unless you want to change it to ‘ex-girlfriend’. Besides, I think the story works without it.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“I think it holds up. Give it a try.”

So I do.

I have a new girlfriend.
The End

I mean, it is good. It is a perfectly good story. But, it makes me sick to know what it could have been. I send version 4 to Miles, Jules, and Helen.

On Monday I hear back from Jules.

“I enjoyed your piece. While it has many of the literary flourishes which usually adorn your work it somehow feels a little unfocussed. I think it is almost there. You may want to sit on it for a year or two and let it breath. Also, and I hope I am not sounding like a broken record, but I think it is a little too long.

The end.