October 21, 2020

The Reminder

The first time Goldfarb had sex with his new girlfriend, right in the middle, although to be fair, it felt like the middle for him but could have been anywhere for her, right in the middle she screamed out “Oh my god, Mrs. Flackowitz!” The line was a little unconventional and not one which he was familiar with but he chose to focus more on the ‘Oh my god’ and less on the ‘Mrs. Flackowitz’.

He wasn’t going to lie.

He was pretty pleased with himself.

What with it being the first time and all.

So, he began to retrace the sequence of events which had led to this moment in the hope he would be able to recreate it, but did not get very far when his girlfriend explained it was not a cry of Judeo/Yiddish exaltation but rather the name of her grade 3 homeroom teacher.

Which she had suddenly just remembered.

That struck him as a peculiar thing to remember while having sex, whether in the beginning, middle or end, but being a firm believer in the ‘even bad pizza is still good pizza’ adage, and having been on a bit of a pizza drought lately, he decided to take it both in stride and good humor.

The second time Goldfarb had sex with his new girlfriend, early on, if it had been a book it would have been chapter 5 or 6, she suddenly cried out “Nutmeg!” Which might very well have been some sort of adoring nickname, but after the Mrs. Flackowitz episode Goldfarb knew better.

“Nutmeg,” he repeated.

And she said “Yes. I just remembered I need it for my muffin recipe.”

This time Goldfarb decided to confront her. “Do you think you should be thinking about your muffin recipe in the middle of our, of our, you know, lovemaking?”

“I wasn’t thinking about it silly. I just remembered it.”

The third time Goldfarb had sex with his new girlfriend he got another “Oh my god.” They had only just started. They were somewhere between the dedication and the table of contents. And then, yet another “Oh my god!” Which ordinarily would have been cause for celebration but, you know, fool him thrice.

So he waited for it.

She had just remembered that today was her Uncle Nate’s birthday.

“I better call him,” she said.

“Now?” Asked Goldfarb.

“Yes, before I forget.”

Lewberg thought Goldfarb was crazy for thinking of breaking up with his new girlfriend.

“This woman actually agrees to have sex with you,” he said one night while they were having drinks at the Firkin. “So it jogs her memory a bit. Big deal. You should take it as a compliment.”

“Look,” Goldfarb replied. “I’m not saying it is the end of the world. I’m just saying it is a thing. Will you agree that it is a thing?”

Lewberg drained his Ketel and cranberry and signaled the waitress for another.

“Yes councilor,” he said. “I will concede that it is a thing. But not a thing worth breaking up for.”

“Lewberg,” Goldfarb replied, ordering a second drink of his own. “Not only does she not think it is a thing but she thinks me thinking it is a thing is actually the thing. It is a world gone mad. I have to break up with her.”

Solly was no more sympathetic, but at least he was a little more curious.

“Let me ask you this,” he said. “Once she remembers something, does it end the festivities?”

“It doesn’t end the festivities,” Goldfarb replied, “but it puts into question what the hell we were celebrating in the first place.”

Solly shook his head and said “I can’t help you man. This is on you.”

Goldfarb said “I am definitely going to break up with her.”

Amanda at least, was sympathetic. Although, truth be told, she was never a big fan of Goldfarb’s new girlfriend. “You are making the right decision Harold,” she said. “You can do much better.”

“I’m not crazy right? I mean it’s not normal.”

“It isn’t Harold. It’s not normal at all. You have to break up with her.”

“I am,” said Goldfarb. “I am going to break up with her.”

Just then Goldfarb received a text from his new girlfriend. He looked up at Amanda. Then back at his phone.

“Hey Amanda thanks for the chat. But I have to go.”

“Is everything alright?” Asked Amanda.

“Yes,” replied Goldfarb. “I just have to go help out a friend. She can’t remember where she left her sunglasses.”

The end.