July 9, 2020
Kalendar With a K
The first thing Allie does when she gets into my car is turn off the air conditioner and roll down the windows. She doesn't ask for permission. I don’t bother fighting with her—we aren’t going far.
She buckles up and then scrunches her nose as if I have just passed gas.
“What are we listening to?” She reaches to change the channel but I gently, although firmly, swat her hand.
“It’s Waylon & Willie,” I announce. “Don’t even think of it.”
“Nobody is letting their babies grow up to be cowboys,” she says. “ Get over it.”
“Have to be vigilant,” I say. “If not me then who?”
“Am switching stations after this song,” she declares. “No more Sounds of Country.”
I say, “Okay.”
“Speaking of Sounds of Country, did you know that Kalendar with a K is for sale?”
It sounded like a non sequitur, but Allie and I have been friends for a long time. I knew what she was talking about.
Kalendar is the name of a restaurant on College Street in Toronto. But we never called it Kalendar. We always called it Kalendar with a K.
Thinking about Kalendar with a K made me think of my friend Ezekiel. My friend Ezekiel was, am sure still is, an Orthodox Jew. He desperately wanted to get married. So he put the word out and began to get set up on blind dates. Not so much with a traditional matchmaker but the Toronto Orthodox community is tightly knit and once he said he was ready to date, he got set up with a bunch of women. This must have been in January or February, because he only went out on Saturday nights—he said a Saturday night date showed he was serious—and the sun set early in the winter, thus ending the Sabbath early, and allowing him to go out in the evening.
He went out with four different women on four consecutive Saturday nights. Which, in itself, is not such a big deal. A friend of mine, who will remain nameless because he has had the good sense to pay the $25 ‘don’t let my name appear in any of your stories’ insurance policy, last year went on nine dates, count them, nine, in a week. A flurry which included two Sunday doubleheaders. He showed me his Excel spreadsheet.
So four Saturday night dates on four consecutive Saturday nights does not really stand out.
What does stand out is what he did those four consecutive Saturday nights with four different women: he went to go see the movie Educating Rita.
On four consecutive Saturday nights.
Educating Rita is a lovely little British romantic comedy from 1983. It is with Julie Walters and Michael Caine. I haven’t seen it in a long time, but I suspect it might still hold up. It has 80% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Ezekiel was completely unapologetic and unembarrassed about going to the same movie four times in a row.
“It is a feel-good movie. I know it is good. I know my date will like it. Why would I take a chance with any other movie?”
His logic is almost unassailable.
I don’t know what ever happened to Ezekiel. I think he got married. But not to any of the women he took to see Educating Rita.
Kalendar with a K was my Educating Rita. It is where I took my blind dates.
Almost all my blind dates.
It had dark wood panelling. And it had booths. I really liked booths. The food was decent and they had key lime pie. It is where I took my blind dates.
So it is where I took Karla Engel.
Karla Engel thought it was very clever that I took her to a restaurant called Kalendar with a K. Because she was Karla with a K.
“How did you find this place?” She was really impressed. She thought I had put a lot of thought into the choice of restaurant.
I just smiled smugly.
I didn’t say anything about Educating Rita.
There was very little turnover with the staff at Kalendar With a K. I knew all the waitstaff. And they knew me. Although I sometimes got some sideways glances, they never threw me under the bus.
It helps that I am a really good tipper.
Karla with a K and I had a perfectly nice and pleasant dinner. Am sure I told her some of my regular blind date stories. I probably told her about the time I got stung by a stingray. I’m sure she laughed. It is a good story.
But by the time the key lime pie arrived, I had pretty much decided I wouldn't be going out with Karla with a K again. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her. But it is the nature of blind dates. Most are just okay Truth be told, I suspect she had decided there would be no second date long before the key lime pie.
But when I dropped her home, she did something so whacky, so out in left field, that it made me want to go out with her again.
When I parked in front of her apartment, before getting out of the car, she slowly, deliberately, and methodically reprogrammed the settings of the radio stations in my car.
Six stations.
All completely different than the stations I usually listened to. I can’t remember them all, but one was classical music, one was grunge rock, one was show tunes, and one was country and western.
Six stations.
It took her about fifteen minutes.
We hadn't been talking about music. She hadn't complained about my station choices. She just reprogrammed them. Unprovoked.
When she finished, she turned to me and said, “Thanks for dinner.” Then at the doorway of her building, after having inserted her key, she turned and waved goodbye.
I mean seriously. Who does that?
On the other hand.
Who does that?
But now I was really intrigued.
Two days later, I call Karla Engel and ask her if she wants to go out again.
She says, “No thank you.”
I say, “Okay.”
I kept all six radio stations for about eight months before I finally reverted back to my original stations. Because I couldn’t figure out how to do it. And I was both too lazy and embarrassed to figure out how.
I guess I could have asked Karla with a K.
One day, Lewberg got in the car and the radio was blasting a song from Bye Bye Birdie. I think it was What’s the Matter With Kids Today.
Lewberg, who knew the Karla with a K story, said, “You don’t know how to reprogram your radio, do you?”
I shook my head no.
“Idiot,” he said. “How long have you been listening to these?” I told him. “Idiot,” he repeated.
I couldn’t argue with him.
Then he showed me how to do it.
I changed them all back.
Except for the country and western.
I kept that one.
The end.