March 15, 2020

Golfing With Toby Ziegler

My favorite all-time television show is The West Wing. My favorite character on the show is Toby Ziegler played by the great Richard Schiff.

One day I get a rare phone call from my friend Steve. He says, “We are going to golf with Richard Schiff.”

Now I am not really a starstruck type of guy. But Steve and I often play the game of the best, living or dead, golf foursome.

“I heard Golda Meir was a 14 handicap.”

That kind of thing.

Not going to lie. I was pretty excited.

Here’s what happened. Pay attention because it is a bit convoluted.

Steve has a brother, Richard. Richard has a friend. I don’t know his name.

This friend has a wife. I don’t know her name either. I have told this story many times and have never thought to find out.

Anyway, this woman, the wife, is at Harbourfront one afternoon and stumbles upon Richard Schiff sitting on a bench eating a pretzel. I don’t know if he was actually eating a pretzel but I include it in the telling. It establishes his New York City bonafides.

She sees Richard Schiff and screams out, “Toby Ziegler!”

He smiles and says, “Actually, I am Richard Schiff.”

She says, “I love you!”

He says, “Thank you very much. That is very kind.”

She asks, “What are you doing in Toronto?”

He says, “I am shooting a television show.” (I think it was Ballers. Which started out really good but then jumped the shark.)

Then she says—this is my favorite part. I kinda feel bad I don’t know her name. I am going to ask Steve before I finish this story—she says, “What are you doing for Shabbat?”

I love that part.

He says, “Nothing.”

She says, “Well, you are coming to my house for dinner.”

He says, “That is very nice. But I am here with my wife.”

She says, “Well, she will come too.”

So Steve’s brother Richard has dinner with Richard Schiff and his wife. By all accounts, well, one account, they have a fabulous time talking about the Yankees and theatre. At one point Richard asks Richard if he golfs. Richard says he loves golf and has even brought his ‘sticks’ with him to Toronto. He is disappointed he hasn’t had the opportunity to golf yet. Richard says, “My brother belongs to a private club and I am sure he would love to take you.” Richard Schiff says that would be great. So Richard gets Richard Schiff’s Toronto phone number, gives it to his brother Steve, who sends Richard Schiff a text explaining who he is and inviting him to golf at his club and asking him when is good, and then Steve calls me to tell me we are going to play golf with Richard Schiff.

Did you get all that?

Because this is the part where Steve screws me.

Richard Schiff doesn’t reply so Steve sends him a second text. And then a third.

And finally, Richard Schiff replies and says thank you very much, he would love to golf but he is working on the shoot during the week and the only time which works would be Saturday afternoon.

At this point Steve should have written back and said, “Amazing, I will send a limo to pick you up. We are playing with my friend Ron, who is a huge fan, and we are both really looking forward to it.”

But he didn’t write that.

Instead he wrote: “Here’s the thing, I play softball on Saturday mornings. My wife likes me to go to synagogue but I really love to play softball. So if I play softball in the morning, my wife really really doesn’t like it if I play golf in the afternoon.” I think three paragraphs in that vein.

In Steve’s defence, I think, I know, he was just trying to be funny. He was mostly just doing a bit for Richard Schiff.

But either way, we never heard back from Richard Schiff.

I never played golf with Richard Schiff.

I heard he might have entered the witness protection program.

The end.