Photograph © Petros Kelepouris / Unsplash

Final Words

When you hear about about deathbed confessions, your mind conjures up tales about the Kennedy assassination or where Jimmy Hoffa’s body is buried. Or perhaps, a breathless revelation about long unrequited love.

My friend Neil said I was a bit of an asshole to play poker with.

Now these were not his final words, as he had saved up a few juicy nuggets for other friends and family, but it was, sadly, near enough the end.

Were he now alive and reading this, he would be quick to say that he did not use ‘a bit’ as a modifier. I was, in his estimation, a full blown asshole.

He didn’t say it to me directly; I only heard of it the night after he passed away. The people who were in the hospital room when he said it seemed quite pleased to pass it on- I think perhaps they found it funny or maybe I should know that my actions had hurt him.

The irony, of course, is I loved playing poker with him. He was fun and gregarious and played with the same passion he had for many other things in his life.

I don’t remember him being particularly bad, but I suspect I would have mocked, belittled, and made fun of his play as I do with everyone I play with.

I have now related this story a few times and every person, to a man, was quick to agree that I was, in fact, an asshole to play poker with. I guess I am telling the story in part because I want to display my own self awareness and own up to my behaviour and in part, in the hope someone might say he was being overly sensitive and I was, in fact, an absolute hoot to play poker with.

But asshole won in a landslide.

I suppose it could have been much much worse because here I was, a very much alive asshole, while he had stage 4 liver cancer and he was more than entitled to say whatever the hell he wanted.

Still though, it kind of bothered me.

I do what I do in order to get a laugh. If someone told me that it bothered them or made them feel bad, then i wouldn’t continue doing it.

I don’t think.

Still, if any of you reading this have suffered the slings and arrows that have emanated from my heartless mouth, I would like to offer a full and unconditional apology.

I’m really really sorry.

And Neil, should you be reading this from heaven or other worlds, let me please say from the bottom of my heart- for fuck’s sake dude, flush beats straight.

Rest in peace.

The End